Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
