Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize