You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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