I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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