I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
