Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
