i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You ruined the universe
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize