You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
