You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
