dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
