could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
