a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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