I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
