i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
