i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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