im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Sorry my hands just texted you
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize