Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
