I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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