I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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