I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
