I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
