He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
