I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
