this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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