Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Girls should come with a carfax report
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Randomize
