So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
