Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
