I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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