Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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