Umm I'm too high to move.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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