had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
