I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize