He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize