I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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