MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
