im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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