My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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