found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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