I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
