Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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