We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
