Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
