Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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