why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I didn't notice because vodka
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
