i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize