a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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