have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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