i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize