Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
