One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
