We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
