can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
