I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
