rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
we made out on top of his cat.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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