the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
