the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
