tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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