They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize