I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
