she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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